11 Cooks Who Should Definitely Step Out Of The Kitchen
By Brett Caron
You can probably scramble eggs and toast bread. If it were any more complicated, I’d have starved to death years ago. But next to these culinary catastrophes, the rest of us look like nutrition experts (or at least not a sriracha-addicted mess). Witness the glory that is people who cook worse than you do!
1. When you’re cooking with pure loneliness, you don’t need a plate.
Someone needs to let this person know that flinging drizzles of mayo across frozen fish sticks and ripped-up kale doesn’t make it an artisanal delight. You need tartar sauce for that.
2. On the cob! They did it! The absolute madmen!
I know — candy corn is the devil. But something about this strange beast just makes me wonder what it’s like to sink my teeth in and tear off a chewy, mediocre mouthful. I may have some new feelings to unpack.
3. How is this not a prank and how is it in a real cookbook?
So I guess someone traveled here from another dimension where human taste buds work differently, and they dropped a cookbook before they left. Best theory we have.
4. Liver so beaten it’s got PTSD and therapy bills.
The only thing more destroyed than this sludge is the tattered soul of the person eating it. If this stuff could talk it’d be touring high schools telling kids to stay away from meth.
5. The Hershey’s piece bribe is a nice touch, but it’s too little too late.
Apparently this travesty started life as a pancake until crippling stress shook it apart like a millennial checking their bank balance.
6. My girlfriend saw this one over my shoulder and said:
“Pizza eggs? Click that. Ugh, not what I was expecting. I wanted maybe pizza but it tastes like eggs? Pizza made of eggs? Eggs in the shape of pizza. Yeah, that’s it. No. Pizza in the shape of eggs, you idiot.”
I don’t understand. The first person to make iced coffee probably got called crazy too, but imagine licking ice-cold tomato sauce only to chew on a frozen bean?
The world doesn’t make sense anymore — which probably makes it the perfect time to market this product.
8. We’ve gone full meatcake, people (ugh, I can’t even look at this one).
This is sheer insanity. You know that feeling when your mouth starts watering, but then it’s too much spit and you realize that you’re actually about to throw up? That.
See you in my nightmares, meatcake.
9. Jury’s still out on whether this is even food or just a melted Gremlin.
Either way, don’t eat it. Especially after midnight.
10. Why, Jackie?
Yes, the site’s called ALL Recipes, but surely there are a few that shouldn’t make the cut.
You do you, Jackie. You do you.
11. Worst birthday cake ever.
I mean, how am I going to blow out all these candles while my hair is on fire?
BONUS: I tried to make a pie after writing this article.
What started as a happy face became a just-barely-keeping-it-together face.
Brett Caron (b. 1986)
Pie (The Cracks Are Showing), 2017
Strawberry filling on crust
There has never been a more 2017 face captured in pastry. Gaze into its flaky reflection of your soul.
Share if you think you could do better than these cooks — hopefully no one calls you out on it!